Saturday, March 31, 2007
That's Not Punny.
I've had a television in my flat for just under an hour and it's already pissing me off.
I've avoided having one for about a year now, since I've never really watched anything with the exception of one or two shows and baseball. But I was perfectly happy watching that at other people's houses and letting my flat be box free. However, now I have a job that requires me to be "plugged in," "in the know" and "up to speed" and other things that have the faint whiff of obnoxiousness, so I had to cave. Now I don't have to go to my brother's apartment to talk about how much I hate Wolf Blitzer. Thus I join the 24 hour news cycle, and here begins a comedy of errors. Well, really it started when the installation guy showed up an hour before he was supposed to and I was still in bed, but whatever. I'm sure I was charming in my half-dragon bedmonster look and vague aura of dread and hatred.
I just don't like t.v.. I don't like being bombarded with shit. I don't like that you could spend an hour flipping channels, not find anything vaguely interesting. Some argue that shitty t.v. is what distracts them from a long day, or keeps them from getting stressed. Nothing stresses me out like laugh tracks, cheeky misogynism, butched up car commercials, and "The Situation Room." It's pappy crap, all of it, and I'd rather watched a netflixed dvd, something I've chosen, then slurp up whatever tripe gets sent out.
This is what happens when you've watched "Network" recently.
I love a good cheesefest now and then ("Sliding Doors" anyone?), but when I come home tired and in need of some solace, watching twits obsess about McWhoever while simultaneously going in after coronary thrombosis, all while remaining under 105 pounds? That'll just wind me up again.
In other, less vitriolic news, I'm collecting puns about Heather Mills. If you don't know her, there isn't much besides that she's in the middle of a divorce with Paul McCartney, she's on "Dancing With the Stars" and she's only got one leg.
This is what I have so far:
"You know, I really respect her. Going on that show? Anyone who goes out on a limb like that, I admire."
"She could win it, you know. She's got a leg up on the competition."
"On the other hand, sometimes I think she's just a terrible dancer. It's like she's got one left foot."
"Did you see her dance number the other night? She did an unbelievable two step!"
And finally, I have one that only works if you pretend you're Jay Leno (Vom!):
"Hey, did you hear? Kevin Bacon is a huge fan of "Dancing With the Stars." Yeah, especially that Heather Mills. Apparently, he's been a fan for ages. Actually, she actually inspired one of his films. Footloose."
Cue the groans!
Anyway, I'm collecting these horrible, probably insulting things, so if anyone has something, send it my way. I'll post the best slash worst slash best again ones.