Saturday, March 31, 2007

That's Not Punny.


I've had a television in my flat for just under an hour and it's already pissing me off.

I've avoided having one for about a year now, since I've never really watched anything with the exception of one or two shows and baseball. But I was perfectly happy watching that at other people's houses and letting my flat be box free. However, now I have a job that requires me to be "plugged in," "in the know" and "up to speed" and other things that have the faint whiff of obnoxiousness, so I had to cave. Now I don't have to go to my brother's apartment to talk about how much I hate Wolf Blitzer. Thus I join the 24 hour news cycle, and here begins a comedy of errors. Well, really it started when the installation guy showed up an hour before he was supposed to and I was still in bed, but whatever. I'm sure I was charming in my half-dragon bedmonster look and vague aura of dread and hatred.

I just don't like t.v.. I don't like being bombarded with shit. I don't like that you could spend an hour flipping channels, not find anything vaguely interesting. Some argue that shitty t.v. is what distracts them from a long day, or keeps them from getting stressed. Nothing stresses me out like laugh tracks, cheeky misogynism, butched up car commercials, and "The Situation Room." It's pappy crap, all of it, and I'd rather watched a netflixed dvd, something I've chosen, then slurp up whatever tripe gets sent out.

This is what happens when you've watched "Network" recently.

I love a good cheesefest now and then ("Sliding Doors" anyone?), but when I come home tired and in need of some solace, watching twits obsess about McWhoever while simultaneously going in after coronary thrombosis, all while remaining under 105 pounds? That'll just wind me up again.

In other, less vitriolic news, I'm collecting puns about Heather Mills. If you don't know her, there isn't much besides that she's in the middle of a divorce with Paul McCartney, she's on "Dancing With the Stars" and she's only got one leg.

This is what I have so far:

"You know, I really respect her. Going on that show? Anyone who goes out on a limb like that, I admire."

"She could win it, you know. She's got a leg up on the competition."

"On the other hand, sometimes I think she's just a terrible dancer. It's like she's got one left foot."

"Did you see her dance number the other night? She did an unbelievable two step!"

And finally, I have one that only works if you pretend you're Jay Leno (Vom!):

"Hey, did you hear? Kevin Bacon is a huge fan of "Dancing With the Stars." Yeah, especially that Heather Mills. Apparently, he's been a fan for ages. Actually, she actually inspired one of his films. Footloose."

Cue the groans!

Anyway, I'm collecting these horrible, probably insulting things, so if anyone has something, send it my way. I'll post the best slash worst slash best again ones.


Naturally,
Lizzie

6 comments:

Lee said...

Ah, yes, the bliss of leaving the TV off and avoiding commercials and the like. I used to watch a lot of good shows, but quit abruptly a number of years back and have not regretted it. DVDs are much better, but even some of those make you watch the silly trailers before getting to the menu. Keep up the good work. :)

Oh, and fix the BBC link, it's http://news.bbc.co.uk/.

Daniel said...

EA,
I came across your very funny va-jay-jay blog on HuffPo. You are an impressive writer. I'd like to introduce myself and hear more about your work. Please email me at dp@collectiveendeavors.com if you have a moment. You can find info about my work at that domain as well.
Thanks!
Dan

Ian said...

I haven't had a TV in over 8 years. I sometimes feel a little like I'm missing something, but then I watch some at a friend's place or on u-tube and I realize that with a very few exceptions, it really is crap.

Although, honestly, it's more that given how much of my life the computer already eats, I can't really afford to have yet another device that will tempt me to waste time uselessly.

fratermus said...

Tivo will make a huge difference in what you see on TV, and will make it much easier to catch whatever content you have to watch as part of your job.

There really is good stuff out there and the tivo will collect it and store it for you until you are ready to watch (if ever).

ea hanks said...

Tivo...yes...I've heard of this strange and powerful God.

(I ended up chucking the TV, so I can spare everyone sanctimonious groaning about how shitty it is. Also, to cover my ass: I should state that I've been obsessed with "Planet Earth" lately...Perhaps this is worth a blog?)

jonny12 said...

One question- Who is Wolf Blizter ? (Our cultural differences are apparent here !)

Its Nadia, i wrote to you before, look at my blog sometime, link me ? If you can do that on here (I'm new to this)

My e-mail address is straight_as_circle@hotmail.co.uk