Oprah's Favorite Things Heralds End Of The World

Before yesterday, I'd only seen one episode of "Oprah" and that was the TomKat episode. Now, granted, that was A.MAZ.ING., but I felt no need to expose myself to it again. However, my co-worker Katherine (KT) maintained that I needed to see the phenomenon knowns as the "Favorite Things" show, in which Oprah gives a shitload of free things to an apopletic crowd. Since KT has shown me time and again flawless judgment, I took her word. The below is our conversation with another co-worker, Michelle (MK), while I open the floodgates, and let in the Oprah. Lord help us all. (If you want a sampling of just how nuts this shit gets you can click here for some excellent footage. Seriously. It'll scare you.)

EA: MY FIRST OPRAH GIFT GIVING EVER!!!
…Macon Georgia. They have highest ratings an that's why there doing it there.
Is Oprah opening another school in Macon? DO they need one?

MK: Surprise!

EA: Bakersville CA is so pissed off at Macon Georgia right now.

KT: someone is going to stroke out
like, have a heart attack
that southern cholesterol…
they are praising Jesus
KT: they church of oprah

EA: Oh. My. GOD.

MK:
i love that there's no intro
it's just: here's stuff!
take it!

EA: Oprah is giving a camera
So if a teacher…

KT: No molestation jokes
This is a Happy Christmas place
Wonder if their cameras will say "oprah cam" in the display

EA:
oprah just said "y'all"
She's channeling Color Purple

KT: she's going to drag the show out with that accent

EA: "Y'all notice I'm talking like y'all"

MK: the accent is grating

EA: SHOES!! OPRAH IS GIVING SHOES AWAY~~~

KT: uggs

EA: THEY DON"T HAVE THOSE IN GEORGIA

KT: careful
i'm in Virginia
we may be fat southerners
but we have shoes
that our cousin/husband gave us

EA: she took a road trip with Gayle, huh?

KT: you should watch more
the whole first week of this season
was them on the road

EA: Like Thelma and Louise, but less rapey, less whitey and less deathy?

KT: less Pitt-y

EA: Oh no. I've got lots of pity.

KT: She's talking about how her staff is awesome. Anytime a staff is thanked, i appreciate

MK: Cheering is lower for the cheaper items

EA: Oprah is sending cupcakes to people's houses. Because these people need more sugary substances.

KT: MIXING BOWLS!!
praise jesus
like oprah cooks

EA: No. Gale cooks, Oprah cleans up. That's how it works in their house.
Mystery gift! It's going to be a kitchen aid.
Holy shit am I good.

KT:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
it's like they got cars

MK: Yeah, my interest for the mixers is not so strong

EA: Those things are so fucking expensive.
It's the "Cadillac of mixers"!

KT: $349. fucking wedding registry item

EA: Next up: the planet earth dvds!.
If anyone talks shit about Planet Earth, I will cut them.

MK: seriously. and i love that "discovery channel" gets more cheers than "planet earth"
clearly, they have no idea what it is -- but it's cool to cheer a brand.

KT: i think they had to turn on the applause sign for that one

EA: "Female ass is a strange creature." Best Planet Earth quote ever.
It might be the best quote in general ever.
So does Oprah pay for all this out of pocket, or does the channel?

MK: Oprah asketh, and companies giveth

EA: Betchoo the camcorder guys don't suddenly decide they DON"T want to be a favorite thing.
Franzen: take note.
Oprah is giving away Kai body butter!

KT: worldwide debut of a lotion?
A loofah and soap in one! genius

EA: 28$ soap. Fuck the world.
OPRAH IS GIVING A VIBRATOR

KT: It's a Sonicar face brush –I want this

MK: face brush
that sounds bad for your skin -- pushing crap back in to your pores

KT: they aren't even standing to applaud
this audience is jaded


MK: "Bathing is a hobby"?

KT: when you're a billionaire

EA: Next: "Pillars of the earth" autographed by the writer.
Ken Follet's publisher just got some more chump change.

MK: haha, no woohoos for the book

KT: let down

EA: How miserable do these fed-ex elves look?
Answer: very.

KT: I'd be miserable if i had to hand out that shit and not get any

MK: at least they didn't make them put on fake ears

EA: MOST EXPENSIVE FAVORITE THING EVER coming up.

KT. I'm not thrilled.
It's a fridge with a TV in it

EA: I want people to flip their shit.

KT: They will

MK: okay, that dude in the front is wearing like a pale blue reject tux

EA: This is no TomKat

KT: NOTHING is
your bar is too high
But now you love and respect Oprah
for the deity she is

EA: If I argue with you, will a fed-ex elf kill me?

KT: yes
Oprah is omnipotent

EA: Oprah has a "love sandwich" she makes for Stedman?
or she HAS one for him?

KT: i call bullshit
she has someone do that for her
oprah skilleting onions?

MK: We should google that sandwich

KT: Panini Makers! Those are expensive.
$99.95
OMG
most expensive thing!?
if oprah said "whoa"
you know it's good
drumroll?
they will flip their shit

EA: It's a fridge. With a high def tv in it
with dvd
a radio
and a slide show option for digital photos
Welcome to America's high def Dark Ages!


KT: People are crying.
leaping
shaking
screaming

EA: It has icecream inside!

MK: Just what Macon needs. more ice cream

KT: it's sorbet
the fatties won't like it
that shit is $6.99 at Elis!
where does Oprah buy it for $4.99?

MK: in bulk of 5,000

KT: $3700 for the fridge.
jesus

MK: she changed outfits!
oh wait, thats th point

EA: Oprah is giving away a fancy mumu with pants.

MK: wow. ugly.
are those pjs?

EA Dear Oprah:
Please stop talking like that.
Sincerely,
Everyone.

EA: Are you one of those people who grew up watching this?

KT: no
my mother didn't let us watch tv
my life is a response to that

EA: "My Mom Didn't Let Me Watch Oprah, But Now Look At Me: Katherine's Story."

Mk: what does Steadman do again?

KT: "businessman"

EA: Now Oprah is giving away Tom Cruises'ses United Artists box set
With 90 dvd's

KT; whoa NOW they're excited!

EA: It's otherwise known as the "No one is Seeing Lions for Lambs, let's make a box set because it worked for The Family Guy" box set

KT: Wow
giving her magazine
lame

MK: pshaw. 29.99
But, her autograph!

KT: they are more excited for that
than the book
OPRAH TOUCHED MY BOOK

MK: WE CAN CLONE HER DNA

EA: Oprah has a star in the eaves
It's… Josh Groban!

KT: a sort of star
they are howlin

EA: Wasn't he kicked out of Il Divino?

KT: He's was never IN Il Divo
Know your boy bands

MK: how old is he now?

KT: it's middle aged TRL
i find him strangely attractive
not today
but in general

EA: Never say that again.

KT: just a little
not today
bad hair today
Macon's water does not agree with his hair

MK: ugh, i can't listen to carols this early in the season

KT: Agreed
only, wait
it isn't early
it's just 70 degrees outside

MK: he's dating a hot girl, right?

KT: they broke up

MK: well, he's tall

KT: he is tall. half of vince vaughn's hotness is his height

MK: Especially now with The Bloat

EA: I think some women in the audience are crying.
I was sort of hoping someone would have a holy experience
like start speaking in tongues
Which I guess Oprah is, with the accent and all

KT: there are still 7 minutes left

EA: Final thing: charity wrapping paper from hallmark

KT: i like knowing Bono would approve of my wrapping

EA: It's fake snowing!!! Oprah is fake happy!!
She thanks the town, the local police, and asks god to bless them

KT: i think it's nice

Well. Oprah is over.
Thoughts?

MK: wasn't as crazy as i was expecting

KT: I love Oprah

EA: Oprah makes me uncomfortable.